Questions.

Sometimes... you have to question everything you've always believed in.






My entire life, I've worked very hard.


To do good in school, to try not to disappoint my family and friends, to be always honest, nice, sweet...


I've always tried my best, mostly in school.

I've worked myself to exhaustion many times. But this year, it got serious.

As in crying compulsively in the middle of a test serious!



I have always been told you are supposed to have the best grades so you'll get into a nice collage and have a perfect life.

But we all know that's not how it works.

You can get into a nice collage, but that doesn't, in any way, mean you'll have a life even close to perfect.



Personally, I think a perfect life would be too easy and boring.

But I do want a good life. I want to do what I love, what makes me happy. I want friends that love me for who I am. I want my family to be proud of me.



So... to get that, I need amazing grades right now? Is that it?

Because that's what they make us believe... That's what I've always believed, even without noticing it!


Why would I try so hard if I didn't?



I want to best the best I can be, yes.

But the key word here is can!

Can I work myself to exhaustion? Can I be stressed all the time because of school? Can I go crazy and have a breakdown because of a grade? Really? Can I?

I don't think so!



I want to do it right. I want to be the best I can be. For myself. And the ones I love.

But I don't want this!

I don't want to be acting like a little baby that doesn't want to go to school the next day!
I don't want to be exhausted everyday.
I don't want to be stressed and freaked out because I have a test in a couple of days and I feel like I'm not going to get a 20 out of 20!

I really do not want this!



It looks like I'm trying to get into a medicine course or something!
I'm not!

I don't even know what course I'm trying to get into!!


Is it performing arts? Cinema? Fashion? Literature? I DON'T KNOW!



Then why am I freaking out all the time? Why?




Wanna know why? Because that's what I've been taught to do.


Since you get into school, you're encouraged try to be the best (not the best you can be, just the best, as in better than everyone else), to have the maximum quotation in a test even if that makes you loose three or four days of your live, to memorize every single page of a huge book for a day and forget it the next...

Why?



Why do they make us believe this is going to make us happy?

And why do you take it!? Why don't we question it??


Well... I'm questioning it now!




But I still don't know anything...











Today's motto: "Have the life you want, not the one other people want for you"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses


Ella <3

Choices.

Sometimes... you realize.




Life is about choices. So I chose.

I chose to like who likes me.
To listen to who hears me.
To worry about who worries about me.
To love who loves me.
To help those who help me.

I chose to like myself.
To focus on what I like.
To strive for what I love.
To work to satisfy myself.

I chose to live the way I want and like, according to my ideals and values​​, without worrying about opinions and judgments of those who have nothing on which to judge.

I chose to walk straight ahead, just giving myself the luxury of looking back when to admire my past, my mistakes, my victories and everything else that made me who I am now.

I chose to fight to get out of the cage and fly freely, leaving the door open to be able to go back and rest from time to time.

I chose to drop all that weights pulling me down, one at a time, and so, lighten up in order to fly higher.

I chose to choose.

And I chose to be happy ♥



Today's motto: "You have the life you choose"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

I Found The Light.

Sometimes... you find your way and climb out of the black hole.




For the past months, I've been lost. Totally empty. I was always sad, upset, crying, hurting.

It felt like nothing made sense. Like things were all wrong. Like nothing could help me coming back from the darkness.

I had lost myself.

The things I love meant nothing. They felt so away. Like they had run away from me. Like everything else had.
I wasn't doing anything because I like it. All I did was because I had to do it. Nothing felt good or amusing. Things were just boring and meaningless. Even though I loved them. I knew I did! I just didn't remember...

Everyone was gone. There was nobody there to catch me. To tell everything would be alright. To make me feel like I wasn't a total failure and that I could get out of the dark and come back to the light.
My best friend left me for someone that hurts and destroys her.
My other friends have their lives.
And I won't even mention him. Why would I? It's not like it matters at all.

All I did was survive.


But, after going through being lost, I finally found myself.
How, you ask? In everything I love. In singing, acting writing, making YouTube videos, dancing, reading ... just Living.
And in the people. My friends, my family, random people that inspire me (Kimmi Smiles was - is - a big one). They are the ones that matter. They are the ones who love me and care about me and that I love and care about. They are the important ones.
And all of this woke me up.


It made me see it. All of it.
All the beauty, the happiness, the love that surrounds me.
I woke up and said "You know what? I should be happy. I deserve to be happy! I AM HAPPY!".

And, let's be honest, I have a roof, a family, food, clothes, everything I need and some extras.
Yes, I've been hurt. Yes, I've been disappointed. Yes, I've been broken. Yes, I've been lost.
But that's fine! That's all fine.
Wanna know why?
Because that means one thing:

I AM ALIVE.
AND I LOVE IT.


Today's motto: “You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth.”

Today's song: Catch My Breath - cover by Against The Current and Alex Goot

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Forcing An Ending.

Sometimes... you have to say "I've had enough".





I'm sick.
I'm just sick.
Sick of the lies, of the games, the smiles, the tears, the sadness, the happiness...
Sick of everything.

All thanks to him.
The one that has ever made me feel like I was loved, who's also the one that makes me feel alone and broke.

The only one I never expected to leave me, left.

Worse. Tricked me. Lied. Broke a promise.

And now? Acts like I'm invisible. Like I don't exist. Like I never did...


You know what?


Stop.

Stop for a second.
Leave all of your little stupid plays behind for a moment.
And look. Just look at what you're doing.
To you. To her. To them. To me. To us. To everyone and everything.
Stop!
Just stop!
End the lies. The tricks. The false smiles, words, looks.
Just end it all. End the play.
Cause I'm closing the curtains.








Today's motto: "You have to be strong. And, a lot of times, that means leaving behind who you love."

Today's song: Forgot To Laugh by Bridgit Mendler

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

An Awkward Desire

Sometimes... you can even surprise yourself!







I think I'm going to say the most strange thing in the world: I want them to stay together.

Yes, them. Not me and him. Them.


They're perfect!
I know it sounds like I'm crazy, I mean, wanting the guy I love to be with other girl? Crazy! But... Whatever! Then I'm crazy. So what?
It's just the truth!

I feel like they just belong to each other. And I can't even believe they ever broke up!
I have no idea of their story or what happened between them. All I know is that they belong together.
I'm sure of it like I've never been sure of anything in my life.


He needs someone that can prove to him that he has much to give (as I know he does), and she's need someone that shows her how amazing and beautiful she is.
They would help each other in ways that they won't even be able to see. Only someone that's on the outside can understand. Because it's something that you don't see when it happens to you. Only when it happens to others.



I still love him. I do. It's not like it's something that just goes away with a pill!
But exactly because I love him that I want him to be happy and to be with someone that can understand him and show him how great he really is.
Even if that someone isn't me.

Plus, I like her! As I've said before, I can see a spark of myself in her.
And she deserves to be happy too.
I don't need to know her very well (but I actually want to!) to know that she's special.
She's the one for him.
I'm pretty sure.



I just wish I could help them!
I mean he has a girlfriend (which, btw, I hate! Not just causes he's his girlfriend but really cause she's kind of stupid! I've never liked her! And I knew her way before they were together!).
And she's hurt and sad and broke!

But I still thing they have a change!
They have to!
They need to.


I just wish I could do something...

Btw, when did become a matchmaker?





Today's motto: "You gotta sacrifice yourself for the ones you love. That's life"

Today's song: Little Thingsby One Direction

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Strange Connections

Sometimes... you do things that make sense to no one but you.







I did something really strange.

I started speaking with his ex-girlfriend.

Yes, the one he left me for.


I know right? Really weird!


To be honest, I'm not really sure why I did it!
But I'm actually glad I did! Which is the weirdest.


She's so special! And different! She reminds me of... myself.

She's a great writer too, actually. She's really amazing. That's why I started talking to her, in the first place. I told her I loved what she writes. Which is true! And she was super sweet to me.
And now, we've been talking for a while!

The thing is... she has no idea of who I am! I talk to her as an anonymous.
And she wants to know who I am. And what connects us (I told her we had a "strange and kind of dark" connection).
And I wanna tell her!
But...

What if she thinks I'm a freak?
What if she thinks I'm trying to get him in trouble? Because that's so not it!
What if she tells him?

But my biggest fear is... What if she hates me?
What if she gets mad at me?

I mean, I'm the girl he tried to conquer after being with her (even if he only tried for like a week, but whatever).
And she's the girl he left me to be with!

Shouldn't I hate her?


But... I don't wanna hate her! I can't hate her! She is too special! She's too... looked like me!!!!
And I don't want her to hate me!



It might seem like the weirdest thing ever but... I want us to be friends!
I feel like we could help each other a lot. About him. And not just that.

It really feels like we're two parts of the same person.

When I read what she writes... It's almost like I can see myself writing the same (although, I don't have as much talent as she does)! Almost like I know and feel the same. And that's really weird!

But, for some odd reason, I like that we have these weird connections (even though having "him" as a connection might not be so good) .


It makes me feel like...

Like I'm not alone anymore.







Today's motto: "A dark connection might just become a really good friendship."

Today's song: I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Broken Hearted... Again.

Sometimes... you're just stuck.







He has a new girlfriend. Isn't it great??


Being ironic is the best thing I can do right now.



Why, from all the people in the world,did I have to fall in love with a guy that has a new girlfriend every week??


It just hurts so much. And he aid he loves her. Not to me, obviously! He barely talks to me at all!

It's like I did something wrong! I did something wrong? Come on! He broke me 300 times, he lied and cheated! And I did something wrong? And he's the one that's not talking to me?


What's wrong with this world?



The worse thing?

I love him...








Today's motto: "Some people will never stop breaking your heart"

Today's song: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, covered by Debby Ryan and Nick Santino

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3